Frequently Asked Questions about Zombie Tools
So what do you guys do?
We are swordsmen and metalsmiths who create blades, and soon, other gear, that will increase your odds of surviving a zombie apocalypse.
Are you serious?!
Deadly.
You really think there’s going to be a zombie apocalypse?
We don’t put it outside the realm of possibility. The esteemed researchers at Cracked found 5 Scientific Reasons the Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen.
Beyond zombies, there’s no shortage of speculation these days that our culture lives just a good shock or two away from some serious destabilization. Pandemic, natural disaster, economic collapse, political upheaval—all have the potential to turn our world on its head and put you in a situation where your survival is in your hands. And should that happen, we’d rather our hands be holding something other than our dicks.
We operate under the premise that if you’re prepared for zombies, you’re prepared for anything.
Why blades? Wouldn’t guns be better in a zombie apocalypse?
First, we’re fans of guns. Between us, we own a bunch. In fact, the Zombie Tools crew all recently purchased Russian Mosin-Nagant M44 carbines, which we love.
But we are swordsman, first and foremost, and we wouldn’t go into a zombie apocalypse without a good gun OR a good blade. We think blades would be indispensable for a number of reasons, including:
1) Guns need ammo. If you’re facing a zombie apocalypse on the scale envisioned by Max Brooks’ World War Z, you’re facing A LOT of zombies. How much ammo do you have for your gun? Under a worst-case scenario, probably enough to last a few days. We’re thinking in terms of months and years. Furthermore, ammo is heavy and thus not terribly portable. While most people we’ve talked to imagine holing up somewhere and fighting a stationary, defensive battles against zombies, we’ve imagined scenarios where mobility would be your best chance of survival, and so would like to remain as maneuverable as possible. To that end, our basic survival package includes a solid mountain bike, a sidearm, and a Zombie Tools blade.
2) Stealth. Like high blood pressure, diabetes, and Joey’s fetid foot stench, a blade is a silent killer. Under many speculative zombie scenarios, zombies are attracted to loud noise. A blade would allow you to take out small bands of zombies without alerting every Zack in a two mile radius to your position.
3) Defense against other humans. Zombies aren’t the only danger during a zombie apocalypse. More dangerous still may be the hordes of frightened, hungry and desperate humans fighting over the last cartons of Top Ramen. And once they’ve blown all the ammo for the guns they might have, they’ll be coming at you will melee weapons. And we’ll take our own blades over a Louisville Slugger, pitch-fork, agricultural machete or cheap katana any day.
Do you think your blades would actually kill a zombie?
It’s been estimate that around 600,000 people were killed with agricultural-grade machetes during the Rwandan genocidal war in the 90s. We’ve seen the machetes used in Africa. They’re thin, cheep, Asian-made tools designed to chop vegetation. So we’re fairly confident that our blades, which are twice as thick, made from quality steel, much sharper and designed to cleave, will have no problem with a decomposing walking corpse.
Why don’t I just buy a cheap machete from website X?
If you’d rather have something mass-produced without love by exploited Chinese grandmothers, have at it. But be warned, it make come back to bite you.
Do you guys actually make these blades?
Yup, we do everything in our shop in Missoula, Montana. Here’s our basic process:
1) We cut the basic sword shape out of bars of quality 5160 spring steel. 5160 is one of the best steels to use for longer blades like ours as it is more durable and less prone to breakage than other steels (like stainless).
2) For some of our blade models, we will then heat and hammer the blade into shape.
3) We grind the blade to within 20% of its final edge, and give the blade its “distal taper,” the gradual reduction of blade material from its handle to its point, which reduces weight and gives it its balance.
4) We then heat the blade to just above 1500 degrees and quench it in oil. This hardens the blade. We then put the blades in an oven to take them back up to around 400 degrees, which tempers it, or returns flexibility to the blade. The blade is then cleaned and polished.
5) Next, we cut our basic handle shapes from T6 aluminum, we attach the handle with steel pins, and then sculpt the handle to its final shape using powergrinders and hand files and rasps.
6) Finally, the blade is spattered with a beeswax/tar concoction and painted with ferric chloride acid which etches a pattern into the blade.
How long does it take you to make a blade?
You mean in beer hours or actual hours?
Um, actual hours?
Impossible to say.
Okay, beer hours?
Don’t really know. We’ve been making the blades in batches, we’ve been doing a lot of experimentation, and we drink a lot of beer. If we were to make a single blade from start to finish, without drinking beer, it would probably take us 2 days. But why the fuck would we do that?
Do you do custom work?
We try to avoid it. One reason we started Zombie Tools was to stop doing work for other people. But that doesn’t mean it’s out of the question. And we’re always interested in hearing ideas about new sword designs.
Are you guys affiliated with Zombie Squad?
Nope. But we are very like-minded folks, and we have a lot of respect for what Zombie Squad does. They run a great zombie preparedness forum.
Who are you guys?
Joey Arbour: Graphic design and media production.
Clay Cooper: Make-up artist, military consultant, shop MacGyver.
Chris Lombardi: Documentarian, web-monkey, pleater of fine fabrics.
Maxon McCarter: Sword design and production overlord, keeper of the Ego.
Wes Saint John: Public Relations, Chief Safety Officer, creepy doll wrangler.
Our models are actress Robin Rose and make-up artist Faith Eames.
Various combinations of these people have also been known as: the Tainted Saints, the Drunken Jedi Pirate Circus, Thanatic Forge, and Black Mayonnaise Productions. We have been involved in the creation of horror art, live horror shows, sword-fighting training, sword-making, and independent films.
Here’s some local press on some of our nefarious deeds.
Halloween 2008 Horror Show from the Missoula Independent.
General article on Zombie Tools from the Missoulian. Note that the quotes and some facts in the article are not terribly accurate.
What do you mean when you say “bitch”?
By ‘bitch’, we mean ‘zombie.’
